Why are Classics the only things allowed to be considered “classic”?

So this is actually a legitimate blog post for once. It doesn’t pertain to me shilling a product, attempting to enlighten the masses on something I think they would enjoy, or a regurgitation of any kind of list.

I, like many other people, have become enthralled with this little Facebook application called LivingSocial, where users make top five lists out of any imaginable category. My guess is that similarities between users foster conversation based on common interests.

However, I noticed a particular “Top Five” yesterday that stopped me in my tracks; it jarred something in the back of my memory that unfortunately started a bit of a firestorm of anger and mild verbal hostility.

The list in question was a “Top Five Favorite Guitarists”. Sounds like a fair enough topic, right? I mean, there are literally millions of guitar players out there from whom to choose to make one’s own personal favorites. My friend (I hope) listed the following guitar players: Stevie Ray Vaughn, Jimi Hendrix, Eric Clapton, King Bennie Nawahj, and John Mayer.

Now technically, I shouldn’t argue, because it was his list, not mine, and represented his personal taste; no one else’s. However, the simple posting of three of those names thrust a philosophical thorn into my side. I didn’t dispute his posting of John Mayer, because he admitted to seeing him live and being blown away. Fair enough, personal connections do that all the time. I didn’t even question King Bennie, largely because I had no idea who he was.

No, my beef was with the first three. I would bet that easily 70% of the people who made a list of Top Five Favorite Guitarists would have those three names in there, with possible additions/substitutes of Carlos Santana, Pete Townsend, Jimmy Page, Eddie Van Halen, BB King, Keith Richards, George Harrison, John Lennon, and maybe even Curt Cobain. Why do I believe this? Because I have very strong feeling that society conditions us to like or dislike certain things, regardless of merit.

I had this argument with a couple English professors at Penn State, who kept making us regurgitate the same century + old "classics" to prove various literary points. We HAVE to read Thoreau, we HAVE to read Aristotle, we HAVE to read Melville, we HAVE to read Beecher Stowe. They felt that we would get a better appreciation if we didn't deviate from the prescribed literature, even though it was they (and the prof's before them, and the prof's before them) who keep representing it, and only allowing that little niche of literature to be allowed into the "classic" canon.

Thousands of books have been released every week, since those ages old scripts were first manufactured, yet they are not even considered to a) prove the exact same literary points, or b) retain or inspire the students to enjoy what they're exposed to.

Music is the exact same way. Only a handful of musicians are ever allowed to be revered in a Top Ten by any major medium, be it radio, print, or television. The artists are always the same, just in a different order. Why do you think that people who do not like metal cannot name more than ten metal bands off the top of their heads? Hell, I hate country music, but I can easily rattle off twenty country musicians without batting an eye. It all boils down to exposure.

So to reiterate, my issue was not with my friend, but the simple notion that those same people are being revered over and over again, with no one else being allowed into that exclusive canon. Just because an artist does not receive the same amount of press, any major awards, platinum sales status, or a major radio/video push does not mean they are equally (if not more so) talented than any of those Top Ten-hoarding musicians. Does lack of exposure really skew our vision and opinions that much? If so, then we really are little more than a fascist nation in disguise.

Disney Ride STAR TOURS finally getting an overhaul!!!

I don't normally lift news items from other sites, but this was too great and exciting for me to waste time summarizing! So, here is the piece as it ran on /film!

Yesterday was the third day of a secret LucasFilm film shoot in West Hollywood. If you were allowed to enter the “LODESTAR” production stage, you would’ve seen Boba Fett, Admiral Ackbar, a Tusken Raider, and even some Jawas. C3PO himself Anthony Daniels will be filming later this week.

So what is LucasFilm shooting? The good news is that George Lucas isn’t making a another Star Wars movie (not yet anyways) or additional scenes for some super duper special edition. And No, the Star Wars live-action television series has yet to begin production. So what is it? LucasFilm is shooting new footage for the Disney’s Star Tours ride.

The ride really hasn’t been updated since it opened in 1987. It’s not the total podracer reboot that was rumored a few years back, thank God. I’m hearing that its essentially the same ride but updated. It sounds to me like they might be shooting the footage in 3D, but I’m not sure.

Our source reveals that the revamp will incorporate prequel characters (like Naboo citizens and Geonosians) along with many aliens from the original trilogy (Aqualish. Bith, Rodians, etc). In the action sequence, the Star Tours vehicle is now going to be chased by Boba Fett. C3PO and R2-D2 are still the hosts, and Anthony Daniels will be recording his parts this week. Admiral Ackbar holographically communicates with the Star Tours vehicle. Right now they’re shooting mostly green screen footage, as it is the middle part of the production timeline.

If Godzilla had an iPod, would you be more frightened, because he really wouldn't be paying attention to where he was walking?

I know I haven't done one of these in a few weeks, and I feel kinda bad about it. I actually get a kick out of them, because they are catharsis for my otherwise miserable existence. So, enough of the jibber-jabber, let's get down to business.

1. CRADLE OF FILTH –“Scorched Earth Erotica”from Bitter Suites to Succubi
~ Nothing says“Friday”like some good old-fashioned gothic-tinged evil metal. But seriously, CoF is actually a fun band to listen to once you get past all the Hellraiser-esque pageantry. I don't know of many bands that can put so many different styles of music into one song, and that is something that always drew me to CoF – their ability to keep me guessing. Jolly stuff!

2. SAM KINISON – Wild Thing”from Youth Gone Wild Vol.2
~ Well, here's a little blast from the late 1980s. I remember the video that got tons of MTV airplay with Slash and all those 80s rockers acting goofy. But with Sam Kinison as ringleader, what did you really expect? I still giggle when I hear the line, "Every time I kiss you, I taste what other men had for lunch!" Hahahaha.

3. MARVIN HAMLISCH –“Nobody Does It Better (instrumental)”from The Spy Who Loved Me
~ And now we cool things off a little with a romantic ditty from one of Roger Moore's most underrated James Bond flicks. While I typically have something against an older James Bond score that isn't composed by John Barry, this one had a bit of charm, despite it being largely disco-based.

4. LOREENA MCKENNITT –“Cymbeline”from The Visit
~ Okay, so we go from tranquil to esoteric. I've always loved McKennitt's ability to weave multiple cultures within one composition. She has this uncanny knack to make Middle Eastern-Celtic-folk-New Age music sound like a legitimate genre. I just wish she's put albums out more often.

5. RICHARD CHEESE – "Stand Up (Ludacris cover)”from I'd Like a Virgin
~ And now all bets are off. If you can make it through a Richard Cheese song and not laugh, you’re a cold, cold person...if you’re human at all. I suppose people look at him like a second rate Weird Al Yankovic, but there’s sincerity to Cheese's performances that Yanky fans really take for granted. You have to give it to a guy who can turn a hardcore rap song into a sultry lounge performance.

6. GOD DETHRONED – The Poison Apple (Eve & Serpentio in the Garden of Eden)”from Ravenous
~ Back on the metal tip, we've got one of the scariest songs I've ever heard. Seeing the band do it live is even more frightening. It's got cutthroat precision, a happy Biblical story, and jaw-dropping guitar solos. While there really aren't a lot of Dutch metal bands that make waves on the international scene, I'm really glad God Dethroned is one of them. Their music is an honest combination of Beauty and the Beast in one mutated organism.

7. THE MEATMEN –“Centurions of Rome”from Rock 'n’Roll Juggernaut
~ I remember when I first heard this song, years ago; I didn't know what to make of it, other than that I loved it immediately. It was like a punk band trying to be Manowar. Eventually, it became sort of an underground fist-banging anthem. If you ever get a chance to see The Meatmen live, I guarantee that you'll be in for an interesting experience. For some reason, while I adore bands that take their craft seriously, I also dig a lot of bands that do it wholly for the fun of it.

8. RAMMSTEIN – "Benzin”from Rosenrot
~ Not my favorite song off of Rammstein's sorely under-appreciated 2006 release, but it does capture the band's unique energy. Rammstein's music intrigues me, because it's like romantic Frankenstein music. It's stiff to the point of rigor mortis, but it breathes with a definite passion. It really is difficult to put into words, but if you open your mind to them, they'll get their meathooks into you.

9. D12 – "UR the One”from D12 World
~ It sounds weird, but this is actually D12's unapologetic attempt at being romantic...well, as romantic as a foul-mouthed, Eminem-acquainted rap group can be. Needless to say, I find myself being amused more than feeling their message. But really, is D12 even designed to be taken seriously?

10. PANTERA – "Rock the World”from Power Metal
~ And closing out our little adventure today is one of those rare numbers that Pantera (and Atlantic Records) has tried to bury for nearly 20 years. This song comes from Phil Anselmo’s 1988 debut with Pantera, when the band was pretty, and Phil sang like his nuts were clamped firmly in a vice. To be fair, it's actually not as bad as most people like to think. Granted, there is a heavy Judas Priest influence on the music (and Phil's voice), but you could already tell the band had a passion for their craft. Honestly, I think more people need to be aware of this album, because it is a classy piece of metal...and it's fun to look at those outrageous hairdos!

My Momentary Lapse of Reason

I’ve been on a weird Pink Floyd kick lately. I’m not exactly sure why, but I’m guessing it has something to do with the stress in my life – not having a job, struggling as a writer to make something stick, and fending off the creditors. I feel like the walls are collapsing, and for some reason, Pink Floyd helps take that edge off.

I suppose it goes back to my youth and my godawful home life. As much as I loved metal and that adrenaline rush, Pink Floyd was great escapism music. No matter how bad things were, I could always pop on Meddle or Animals and just get lost in the wilderness of sound.

It’s been a bit of a reawakening for me, actually, similarly to Kevin Smith’s recent re-acquaintance with the glory that was Wayne Gretzky. Floyd’s music takes me back to those times, when although I thought the world was suffocating me, I could always put on the Pink Floyd oxygen mask and inhale life anew. And back then, I really didn’t have that many problems, aside from the emotional stress of dwelling in a broken home, not being allowed to explore or realize my youthful dreams.

I am constantly haunted by the chorus from “High Hopes”:

The grass was greener
The light was brighter
With friends surrounded
The nights of wonder

Why I am fixated on my own past, I’m not quite sure. I’m constantly second-guessing every decision I make. I see my friends and acquaintances moving in a forward motion in their own lives and wondering why I am stagnating, spinning my wheels in a whirlwind of confusion. I know this sounds like I’m feeling sorry for myself and engaging in a self-induced pity party. Maybe I’m just struggling for answers.

Pink Floyd were true musical explorers; they never let genre or rules get in the way of their craft, and they were praised for it. Not just praised, but eventually worshipped. I watched a recent documentary on them on VH1, called Which One’s Pink?, and I found myself thinking, would they be even remotely as possible if they had put their first album out in 2008-2009? Sure their sound would be different, but they really didn’t write singles. I think they were a band that existed at the right moment in time, and if you moved them out of it, they might never have gotten to where they went.

I say this, because at times, I feel like I am a person out of place, out of time. Like I am wandering through life, trying to find a path. It’s a little sickening that I am over 30 and still trying to find my way. Why I am posting this in a blog, I don’t really know. And I’m sure the first thing readers will say is, “just get a job, regardless of what it is.” And it’s not for lack of trying. Over the past year, I’ve applied to nearly 100 different jobs in several fields. I suppose I built myself into a little box, having the bulk of my writing and editing experience encased in the world of music, and potential employers might see me as a one-trick pony. I don’t know. At least the sun is shining today.

"Shuffle Up and Deal!" My Continued Adventures with the iPod

Yeah, I had fun doing this last week. It was a nice exercise, so here's another round for the kids.

1. FICTION PLANE - "Running The Country" from Left Side of the Brain
~ Not exactly my favorite song on the album, it does have a great bass line. I'm not sure if I've seen these guys too many times or what, but this song doesn't really have the same effect on me as it used to. That said, it is a great, bouncy track to start one's day.

2. SERGEI RACHMANINOFF - "Symphonic Dances: 2. Adante con moto (Tempo di valse)" from Isle of the Dead / Symphonic Dances
~ I've always had a thing for classical music that sounded like film scores (or I suppose I should give credit where credit is due, since film score music is derived from its classical parentage). Anyway, I would never have heard of this particular track had I not been perusing the classical section when working at Barnes & Noble several years back. I innocently stumbled upon a disc called Isle of the Dead, and blindly purchased it based solely on the disc's title. It is rare that I make such purposes, because buying something before listening is always a crapshoot, but it is that much more enjoyable when it pays off.

3. LEAVES' EYES - "Twilight Sun" from Vinland Saga
~ Liv Kristine's voice is simply angelic. Of the female fronted metal pantheon, I'd put anything she's involved with in another league. The music isn't contrived (too often these kinds of bands base their lackluster music around the novelty of the female vocals), and, well, she's a friggin' Viking! You also can't go wrong when your backing band is Atrocity.

4. OBITUARY - "Slowly We Rot" from Slowly We Rot
~ Ah, the days of juvenile bliss. Not a groundbreaking release by any stretch of the imagination, this track of metallic sludgery was released way back in 1989. The thing I always find funny about this song is that although the music is primal death metal and the vocals are sick, if you listen closely, the lyrics actually discuss the ins and outs of volleyball -- proving once again why death metal lyrics really don't matter. Good times!

5. BOLT THROWER - "War Master" from War Master
~ Wow, what is this, a high school reunion? Two old school death metal tracks back-to-back. This is another one of those albums that helped me through my "I hate school and my parents" phase. The song has one of the sickest groove breaks about midway through it, and it always gets my blood rushing whenever it hits. Regretfully, Bolt Thrower is among those few iconic metal bands I've never been able to see live. However, they are supposed to headline this year's Maryland Death Fest, so maybe I will be able to check them off the list.

6. BRICKLIN - "Walk Away" from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure soundtrack
~ Yes, it really is high school all over again. First we have some death metal, and now we're revisiting Bill & Ted. This is the track that was playing during the duo's oral report at the end of the film. Normally, I don't like compilation soundtracks, but this one was so innocent and chock-full of unknown bands, my heart kinda went out to it. Interestingly, this soundtrack featured a demo track by the band Extreme before they had actually released their first album. Now I want to watch the DVD. Party on, dudes!

7. MICHAEL KAMEN - "Sanchez is in the Bahamas / Shark Fishing" from License To Kill soundtrack
~ Now I know I shouldn't say negative things about the dead, but Michael Kamen was always one of those overblown film composers that had a habit of trying to make movies bigger than they actually were. Also, he was given the unenviable task of following up John Barry's last (and arguably best) James Bond score. Add to that the fact that it was another Timothy Dalton Bond outing and you've got a recipe for disaster. Kamen actually sounded like he phoned this one in, more emulating Barry than doing his own thing. Oh yeah, R.I.P., Michael.

8. THE ELIMINATORS - "Punta Baja" from Cowabunga! The Surf Box
~ Is it summer yet? Big fan of surf rock, this stuff can brighten even the dreariest of days. And I think another charm of this music is that the songs are usually pretty short, so the band's have to get in, make a poignant statement, and get the hell out of Dodge. This track is off of a 4-disc box set commemorating the rich history of surf rock, and it sounds like something that could have very easily been on the From Dusk Til Dawn soundtrack...or any Tarantino flick for that matter.

9. SIR MIX-A-LOT - "Swap Meet Louie" from Mack Daddy
~ Yes, this is a track off the infamous album that gave us "Baby Got Back". Why is it even on my iPod? Because for some reason, I dig Mix's style -- his enunciation, humorous lyrics, and complete irreverence towards trends. "Swap Meet Louie" is one of those deep album tracks that makes me laugh.

10. CANDLEMASS - "Under the Oak" from Live
~ And our lesson for the week draws to a close with one of the most massive tracks from the greatest doom metal band ever. Messiah Marcolin's vocals just give me chills on this. It is one of those rare live albums that is comparable to a studio album, due to its recording quality, tightness of the band, and classic set list. There was a time when I thought this band could do no wrong...then the singer left...and came back...and left again. They're still a decent band, but they are a different beast than the mythic monster they once were.

Doing the Friday Shuffle...

Someone over on Facebook started a group called "Friday Shuffle", where members are encouraged to put their iPods on a random shuffle, and jot down the first ten tracks that play. I don't exactly know why this is an attractive exercise, but for some reason, I got sucked into it.

And rather than just list the songs (showing off how extensive one's taste - or lack thereof - can be), I'm going a step further and offering a little commentary on each track. And before you ask, yes, I actually own these CDs.

If you dig it, cool. If not, hey, it's only a blog!


1. JORN - "Christine" from Worldchanger
~ One of the best voices in heavy metal. It is sad that he is widely unknown in America. He's like David Coverdale, Ronnie James Dio, and Ian Gillan all wrapped into one. The glaring difference is that he's not over 50. His work with MASTERPLAN was amazing, but his solo material always comes across as more soulful.

2. THE AMAN FOLK ORCHESTRA - "Main Title" from Subspecies soundtrack
~ We need a little cheese every now and again. That said, the Subspecies soundtrack is one of the creepiest horror soundtracks out there. It's sad that the film series never achieved any mainstream success (did ANY Charles Band flick??), otherwise this album might not be out-of-print today.

3. THE GAME - "One Night" from Doctor's Advocate
~ I think that sometimes rap music grounds me, especially the stuff that is based in reality. A lot of the stories these guys spill are quite humbling, but I can understand if it comes across as too abrasive for some people. Honestly, THE GAME can sound quite depressing at times.

4. GREEN JELLY - "Carnage Rules" from 333
~ Sometimes, in addition to cheese, we need to be downright silly, right? I don't think GREEN JELLY (JELLO) ever released a serious song, or ever could. "Carnage Rules" is one of those little ditties that blends punk and metal and makes you want to bounce around the room like a complete idiot.

5. SCAR SYMMETRY - "Seeds of Rebellion" from Symmetric In Design
~ And speaking of abrasive...I've always had a fondness for Scar Symmetry, because they remind me of what EDGE OF SANITY could have evolved into, had the band continued to exist and if Dan Swanö didn't have a penchant for 70s folk rock. SCAR SYMMETRY is also among the very few bands that can combine death growls and silky clean vocals in the same song and make it sound perfectly natural.

6. JAMES HORNER - "Genesis Countdown" from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan soundtrack
~ Yes, I'm a bit of a nerd when it comes to movies, and like those fellows in Free Enterprise, I hold Wrath of Khan in very high regards. And it's not just the movie itself that makes the film great. I feel that Horner really peaked with this one, and although he's done some great things since 1982 (Aliens, Willow, Clear and Present Danger, Apocalypto), I will always see this as his crowning achievement. It is actually kinda sad that the very next year (1983), he would plagiarize his own work when he scored the soundtrack to Krull.

7. DURAN DURAN - "Make Me Smile (Come Up And See Me)" from The Reflex single
~Yeah, it's an obscure DD song, and a live recording at that. I don't know, there was always something about DD that intrigued me - their sense of melody, the combination of eccentric synthesizer work with incredibly underrated bass guitar work and smooth vocals. They just always sounded sincere, even if their lyrics never made any sense. I think another part of their charm is that no matter what they do, whenever I listen to them (current album excluded), I feel like a little kid again, plopped in front of the television, watching the equally confusing videos on MTV.

8. PAUL DI'ANNO - "Wrathchild" from The Classics: The Maiden Years
~ it is sad that nearly 30 years later, poor ol' Paul is still shilling his brief work with Iron Maiden. Yeah, he only appeared on 2 albums, but they were pivotal albums in the band's career. And I don't care what anyone says, no one can sing those songs with the fervor that Paul brings to them (sorry, Bruce). I guess when you are involved with a band that big, no one cares what else you do. I don't think Paul has had an album of original material released in America in over 10 years. I could be wrong, so don't quote me on it.

9. PABLO FRANCISCO - "Mentos" from Knee to the Groin
~ This guy is just hilarious. The guy could read the obituaries, and I think I would still chuckle. This is his take on how ridiculously cheerful the people in Mentos commercials are, regardless of the situation they are in. It's only a 43-second track, but it's a riot.

10. BLACKMORE'S NIGHT - "Shadow of the Moon" from Shadow of the Moon
~ And closing our set today is one of the most charming, most inventive songs by Ritchie Blackmore's (guitarist for Deep Purple and Rainbow) current musical incarnation. The combination of folky, medieval sounding music with Candice Night's Stevie Nicks-meets-Loreena McKennitt, ambient vocals make this track simply enchanting. I feel like taking a barefoot walk through a forest right now. If only it weren't 40 degrees outside...

Grouch The Oscar or Spending An Evening Complaining About Entertainment

Okay, now that the Oscars are finally over and the noses-upturned-to-anything-interesting committee is able to focus their collective inability to acknowledge good movies towards next year, it is time for me to chime in on a few things.

Okay, since NO ONE was surprised that Heath Ledger was going to win, why is everyone acting like they are? Out of all the films in his hot-fudge-with-sprinkles career, only a handful was actually watchable. Now, outlets like EW and Rolling Stone are calling him the modern James Dean? Give me a friggin’ break. Did ANYONE see the piece of garbage that was A Knight’s Tale? Granted, he was good in The Patriot, but I think that was more because of the story than his acting ability, but people are now citing Ten Things I Hate About You as some kind of zeitgeisty, introspective work of visual art.

I’m not going to go on about this, because it really turns my stomach to see Hollywood (and the general public) get all gushy and sentimental just because dude died. Let’s leave it at this, THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS AN ACCIDENTAL OVERDOSE! If it was accidental, then there would have been an eyewitness who was with him watching him do it. It was suicide, plain and simple, and I have NO respect for anyone who thinks their life is so hard that the only way for them to move forward is to cut the cord. Yes, I’m talking to you, too, Herr Cobain.

Anyway, let’s turn our attention to Sean Penn for a moment. Now, I loved the guy in Fast Times At Ridgemont High, We’re No Angels, Casualties of War, and Carlito’s Way. But ever since his portrayal as David Kleinfeld in 1993, it seems that he has started choosing movies for the sole purpose of getting Academy nods, rather than stretching his acting chops. Sure, you can say that he’s smart for doing it, but I think that is a cowardly, and safe, way to go through an acting career. Wouldn’t you rather be someone like Ed Harris or Robert DeNiro, who are great in everything, regardless of the Academy batting an eye at them?

I dunno, I think I’m just sick of seeing Penn’s name in the nominee list every other year. It’s kinda like the same thing with period and political films getting nominated for all the major awards every year. Come on guys, that’s the formula, why nominate the exact same crap every year? That extends to BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN COSTUME DESIGN, too. Umm, if period films are so plentiful all the time, do you really need to keep nominating them? What makes one film’s 19th Century-inspired attire better than anothers? Maybe I need to be a seamstress to understand.

And speaking of not understanding, what is up with BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM OF THE YEAR? Granted, I am glad that Wall*E won, but look at its competition. Kung Fu Panda and Bolt? What happened to nominating films of substance? What exactly are the criteria for nominating animated movies anyway? It must be pretty, it must be funny, and it must target 4-year-olds? Seriously, I think this award only exists to draw in the youngsters, who will be able to see the exact same award at Nickelodeon’s Kid’s Choice Awards. It’s kinda like having Grammys nominating Latin artists, but having Latin Grammys, too. There’s no point.

What’s even more confusing, is that I looked up the nomination rules for Best Animated Feature. Check this out, I pulled it right from http://www.oscars.org/:

The Executive Committee of the Short Films and Feature Animation Branch shall meet prior to the last Board of Governors meeting of this calendar year. At this meeting, a Reminder List of the animated feature films released during the year shall be reviewed. If the committee finds that there are eight or more eligible animated feature films that warrant a category, it may choose to recommend to the Board of Governors that there be a Best Animated Feature Film award given this year. If the governors accept this recommendation, the following nomination process shall be set in motion.

Okay, so the category is optional, no problem. I totally understand. Some years there just aren’t any nominatable films for Best Animated Feature – because anything more mind-numbing than Kung Fu Panda shouldn’t be considered. However, did you notice that they need EIGHT films for consideration to have the category submitted? Umm, there are only ever THREE films nominated. Where did the other FIVE go??? On top of that, John “Pixar” Lasseter is part of said committee! The dude is nominating his own movies! One more reason this category is irrelevant.

I really don’t want to go on a rant about The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and the curious case of its 13 nominations. You’ve heard it all before, it’s a half-baked, heartless Xerox of Forrest Gump, you don’t connect with the characters, Tilda Swinton is still a scary-looking bitch, and the tie-in to Hurricane Katrina was completely tasteless. Why the 13 noms? I guess the Academy was bored. Or they were too afraid to nominate movies like Appaloosa and Gran Torino. I thought whenever Clint Eastwood crapped dust, it got nominated. Oh wait, there were racial slurs in this movie. Can’t have that. Because reality isn’t what they go for with Oscar nominations…except Animated Feature.

This brings me to my biggest beef with Oscar nominations. And I have this same gripe year after year (I just never had a blog before). One of the most overlooked, and under-researched categories at the Academy Awards is BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN MUSIC WRITTEN FOR A MOTION PICTURE, ORIGINAL SCORE. I kinda figured Slumdog Millionaire was going to take this one, because it was so different from everything else.

However, I fancy myself a fan of film scores, and I found that one completely unlistenable. It was noisy, it was chaotic, but it was Bollywood! That’s the politically-correct way to go these days! Seriously, did it win Best Score, because it WAS the best score, or did it win simply because it also took Best Picture and Best Director? Maybe my ears are not attuned to Indian music, but that sloshy, gumbo of an album was little more than a sonic headache. Seriously, the hodgepodge of techno-Indian-dance-hip hop sounded like a bad Nintendo game or some bizarre fetishist amine.

But hey, let’s look at the other nominees.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Alexandre Desplat) – seriously? This was Desplat doing his best Danny Elfman impersonation. Yeah, I get that he was trying to fuse fantasy and drama, but I thought the licensed music for the film (you know, all the old school big band and jazz standards) were much more interesting.

Milk (Danny Elfman) - Speaking of not interesting, this was another one of those moments where Danny Elfman tries to make himself contemporarily relevant by NOT sounding like Danny Elfman. Milk came off sounding more like a cross between Splash and Arthur – uninspired and derivative.

Defiance (James Newton Howard) – and yes, on the derivative tip, here we have another go at standard espionage fare, a la John Powell’s Bourne series, or anything with a spy and guns in it for that matter. Why was it nominated? Oh, it had random cello solos, which drew some comparisons to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (which incidentally won the Best Score Oscar in 2001). Ah, 2001 was actually the last decent year for nail-biting film score noms – Crouching Tiger, Gladiator, and The Patriot? All classics in my book. Defiance, however, is not.

Wall*E (Thomas Newman) – the only one of the bunch I felt deserving of a nomination. Since there was no dialogue during the first half of the film, it was the music that carried the action. I thought Newman did a stellar job combining childlike whimsy, isolation, and adventure in one little eco-friendly, cardboard-sleeved package. I guess the win is reparation for last year's Ratatouille upset. Yes, it is too bad the Academy is deaf.

And while we’re on the subject, I did some perusing at the Oscars website and learned some rather weird things about the committee that makes these bizarre and lackluster nominations. Here are the Board of Governors (as they are called on the site). I should also note that all my info about them can be verified on IMDB.

Charles Fox – primarily a TV composer, whose BIGGEST films include National Lampoon’s European Vacation (you remember, the really bad Pig In A Poke one), 9 to 5, Zapped! and Short Circuit 2. The last feature film he scored was a 1995 talking pig movie called Gordy. Truly a magnificent list of credits. He’s definitely qualified to make these decisions.

Bruce Broughton - also largely a TV composer. Biggest films include Silverado, The Presidio, and Harry and the Hendersons. Last movie scored was a 1998 Stephen Baldwin vehicle called One Tough Cop. Now, don’t get me wrong, he’s done some good things…20 years ago. Again, not really sure if his ears are attuned to making good decisions.

Arthur Hamilton - scored ONE FILM in 1955. He’s primarily a songwriter, who is best known for the tune “Cry Me A River”, (not to be confused with the Justin Timberlake ditty) which was featured in 6 movies. How in the hell is this guy qualified to sit on a board that decides what film scores get nominated for Oscars? That’s like making a 6-year-old teach astro-physics, because he can make paper airplanes.

Now, if I was on the board, what would I have nominated? Glad you asked. Besides Wall*E, I would have cleaned house and NOT even considered the other four noms. That frees me up to make four new choices. I would have nominated the following film scores:

The Happening (James Newton Howard) – Yes, I feel he was nominated for the wrong movie. He also could have very easily been nominated for The Dark Knight (which he would have had to share with Hans "needs more synthesized strings" Zimmer) as well, but I thought this score was much more visceral. It was probably among the best suspense scores since the days of Bernard Herrmann. He should have also been nominated last year for The Great Debaters, but I really don’t want to get into the debacle that was the 80th Academy Awards. I’d just start spewing about how American Gangster was completely robbed of any dignity.

HELLBOY 2 (Danny Elfman) – Again, nominated for the wrong film. Milk was extremely lactose-intolerant, while Hellboy was injected with an ample supply of Nestlé Quik. Sure, you could argue that it is standard Elfman fare, but I would disagree. Sure, most of the work he’s done since the late 80s has been a variation or rehashing of Pee Wee’s Big Adventure and Beetlejuice. To this day, I am shocked that Beetlejuice was never considered for an Oscar in 1988/89. But Hellboy II represents a more refined, mature, and no less adventurous Elfman. It’s a score that combines mayhem and heart, which is an odd mix, but Elfman can pull it off.

Mongol (Tuomas Kantelinen) – Yeah, the guy is a complete unknown in America. Then again, so is the film. But holy crap, is this a great, epic score. Kantelinen effortlessly channels the old school Hollywood epic film score legends like Miklos Rosza and Alex North, and offers something passionate and brutal. It’s like what Jerry Goldsmith was gunning for with The 13th Warrior, but better.

Nights In Rodanthe (Jeanine Tesori) – Sure, I know this is completely unbecoming of me, but this is some very moving music. This is also Tesori’s first proper film score, as she is primarily known as a Broadway composer. I have no desire to see the movie, but the music is completely gut-wrenching. It is like a modern classical sonata. Very romantic, and very rare for the world of film scores.

And there you have it, kiddies, my Oscar rant for this year. I really don’t know why I let silly little things like the get under my skin, because ultimately, what is more frivolous than an organization that puts on a multi-million dollar beauty pageant to pay homage to the entertainment industry? Think about it, it’s a show that honors movies. It’s kinda like a paradox, isn’t it? I just hope that somewhere down the line, the Academy Awards will be more based on what people want to see, rather than what Oprah’s Book Club thinks we should see.