Thursday, April 9, 2009

My Momentary Lapse of Reason


I’ve been on a weird Pink Floyd kick lately. I’m not exactly sure why, but I’m guessing it has something to do with the stress in my life – not having a job, struggling as a writer to make something stick, and fending off the creditors. I feel like the walls are collapsing, and for some reason, Pink Floyd helps take that edge off.

I suppose it goes back to my youth and my godawful home life. As much as I loved metal and that adrenaline rush, Pink Floyd was great escapism music. No matter how bad things were, I could always pop on Meddle or Animals and just get lost in the wilderness of sound.

It’s been a bit of a reawakening for me, actually, similarly to Kevin Smith’s recent re-acquaintance with the glory that was Wayne Gretzky. Floyd’s music takes me back to those times, when although I thought the world was suffocating me, I could always put on the Pink Floyd oxygen mask and inhale life anew. And back then, I really didn’t have that many problems, aside from the emotional stress of dwelling in a broken home, not being allowed to explore or realize my youthful dreams.

I am constantly haunted by the chorus from “High Hopes”:

The grass was greener
The light was brighter
With friends surrounded
The nights of wonder

Why I am fixated on my own past, I’m not quite sure. I’m constantly second-guessing every decision I make. I see my friends and acquaintances moving in a forward motion in their own lives and wondering why I am stagnating, spinning my wheels in a whirlwind of confusion. I know this sounds like I’m feeling sorry for myself and engaging in a self-induced pity party. Maybe I’m just struggling for answers.

Pink Floyd were true musical explorers; they never let genre or rules get in the way of their craft, and they were praised for it. Not just praised, but eventually worshipped. I watched a recent documentary on them on VH1, called Which One’s Pink?, and I found myself thinking, would they be even remotely as possible if they had put their first album out in 2008-2009? Sure their sound would be different, but they really didn’t write singles. I think they were a band that existed at the right moment in time, and if you moved them out of it, they might never have gotten to where they went.

I say this, because at times, I feel like I am a person out of place, out of time. Like I am wandering through life, trying to find a path. It’s a little sickening that I am over 30 and still trying to find my way. Why I am posting this in a blog, I don’t really know. And I’m sure the first thing readers will say is, “just get a job, regardless of what it is.” And it’s not for lack of trying. Over the past year, I’ve applied to nearly 100 different jobs in several fields. I suppose I built myself into a little box, having the bulk of my writing and editing experience encased in the world of music, and potential employers might see me as a one-trick pony. I don’t know. At least the sun is shining today.

1 comment:

CrazySexyMetalChick! said...

Hey,

You're not supposed to be in despair about your life--that's MY domain!!!

"I see my friends and acquaintances moving in a forward motion in their own lives and wondering why I am stagnating, spinning my wheels in a whirlwind of confusion."

OMG! Let me just say that there's a world of difference in the way you perceive yourself and the way others perceive you. You see yourself as "stagnating"--I'm always in awe of your talent and the fact that you always somehow manage to find an outlet through which you can write the stuff that YOU WANT TO WRITE! Others have also said how impressed they were by you! You started up your own freakin' magazine for God's sake! Who the hell does that?! Others simply talk about what they want to do--you find a way to make it happen!

"...at times, I feel like I am a person out of place, out of time. Like I am wandering through life, trying to find a path. It’s a little sickening that I am over 30 and still trying to find my way."

I do think that as the world--particularly the world of Arts and Culture--loses depth, it does become more difficult for more talented individuals to get much-deserved opportunities. But there's nothing wrong with being over 30 and still trying to find your way; that's the story of most artistic geniuses! You don't want to settle! There's NOTHING wrong with that. You want to earn a living writing the stuff you love and you're trying to find that opportunity. THAT'S AWESOME!

I don't think you're seen as a one-trick pony. You might be seen as being eccentric or too "edgy" for these stuff shirt corporate types. Coolness oozes out of people like us, no matter how much we try to hide it with a suit, and it scares people. They want young college Republican types--"Yes" people.

Hang in there, Kiddo. The world will discover your kick-ass amazingness soon!