"Shuffle Up and Deal!" My Continued Adventures with the iPod

Yeah, I had fun doing this last week. It was a nice exercise, so here's another round for the kids.

1. FICTION PLANE - "Running The Country" from Left Side of the Brain
~ Not exactly my favorite song on the album, it does have a great bass line. I'm not sure if I've seen these guys too many times or what, but this song doesn't really have the same effect on me as it used to. That said, it is a great, bouncy track to start one's day.

2. SERGEI RACHMANINOFF - "Symphonic Dances: 2. Adante con moto (Tempo di valse)" from Isle of the Dead / Symphonic Dances
~ I've always had a thing for classical music that sounded like film scores (or I suppose I should give credit where credit is due, since film score music is derived from its classical parentage). Anyway, I would never have heard of this particular track had I not been perusing the classical section when working at Barnes & Noble several years back. I innocently stumbled upon a disc called Isle of the Dead, and blindly purchased it based solely on the disc's title. It is rare that I make such purposes, because buying something before listening is always a crapshoot, but it is that much more enjoyable when it pays off.

3. LEAVES' EYES - "Twilight Sun" from Vinland Saga
~ Liv Kristine's voice is simply angelic. Of the female fronted metal pantheon, I'd put anything she's involved with in another league. The music isn't contrived (too often these kinds of bands base their lackluster music around the novelty of the female vocals), and, well, she's a friggin' Viking! You also can't go wrong when your backing band is Atrocity.

4. OBITUARY - "Slowly We Rot" from Slowly We Rot
~ Ah, the days of juvenile bliss. Not a groundbreaking release by any stretch of the imagination, this track of metallic sludgery was released way back in 1989. The thing I always find funny about this song is that although the music is primal death metal and the vocals are sick, if you listen closely, the lyrics actually discuss the ins and outs of volleyball -- proving once again why death metal lyrics really don't matter. Good times!

5. BOLT THROWER - "War Master" from War Master
~ Wow, what is this, a high school reunion? Two old school death metal tracks back-to-back. This is another one of those albums that helped me through my "I hate school and my parents" phase. The song has one of the sickest groove breaks about midway through it, and it always gets my blood rushing whenever it hits. Regretfully, Bolt Thrower is among those few iconic metal bands I've never been able to see live. However, they are supposed to headline this year's Maryland Death Fest, so maybe I will be able to check them off the list.

6. BRICKLIN - "Walk Away" from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure soundtrack
~ Yes, it really is high school all over again. First we have some death metal, and now we're revisiting Bill & Ted. This is the track that was playing during the duo's oral report at the end of the film. Normally, I don't like compilation soundtracks, but this one was so innocent and chock-full of unknown bands, my heart kinda went out to it. Interestingly, this soundtrack featured a demo track by the band Extreme before they had actually released their first album. Now I want to watch the DVD. Party on, dudes!

7. MICHAEL KAMEN - "Sanchez is in the Bahamas / Shark Fishing" from License To Kill soundtrack
~ Now I know I shouldn't say negative things about the dead, but Michael Kamen was always one of those overblown film composers that had a habit of trying to make movies bigger than they actually were. Also, he was given the unenviable task of following up John Barry's last (and arguably best) James Bond score. Add to that the fact that it was another Timothy Dalton Bond outing and you've got a recipe for disaster. Kamen actually sounded like he phoned this one in, more emulating Barry than doing his own thing. Oh yeah, R.I.P., Michael.

8. THE ELIMINATORS - "Punta Baja" from Cowabunga! The Surf Box
~ Is it summer yet? Big fan of surf rock, this stuff can brighten even the dreariest of days. And I think another charm of this music is that the songs are usually pretty short, so the band's have to get in, make a poignant statement, and get the hell out of Dodge. This track is off of a 4-disc box set commemorating the rich history of surf rock, and it sounds like something that could have very easily been on the From Dusk Til Dawn soundtrack...or any Tarantino flick for that matter.

9. SIR MIX-A-LOT - "Swap Meet Louie" from Mack Daddy
~ Yes, this is a track off the infamous album that gave us "Baby Got Back". Why is it even on my iPod? Because for some reason, I dig Mix's style -- his enunciation, humorous lyrics, and complete irreverence towards trends. "Swap Meet Louie" is one of those deep album tracks that makes me laugh.

10. CANDLEMASS - "Under the Oak" from Live
~ And our lesson for the week draws to a close with one of the most massive tracks from the greatest doom metal band ever. Messiah Marcolin's vocals just give me chills on this. It is one of those rare live albums that is comparable to a studio album, due to its recording quality, tightness of the band, and classic set list. There was a time when I thought this band could do no wrong...then the singer left...and came back...and left again. They're still a decent band, but they are a different beast than the mythic monster they once were.

Doing the Friday Shuffle...

Someone over on Facebook started a group called "Friday Shuffle", where members are encouraged to put their iPods on a random shuffle, and jot down the first ten tracks that play. I don't exactly know why this is an attractive exercise, but for some reason, I got sucked into it.

And rather than just list the songs (showing off how extensive one's taste - or lack thereof - can be), I'm going a step further and offering a little commentary on each track. And before you ask, yes, I actually own these CDs.

If you dig it, cool. If not, hey, it's only a blog!


1. JORN - "Christine" from Worldchanger
~ One of the best voices in heavy metal. It is sad that he is widely unknown in America. He's like David Coverdale, Ronnie James Dio, and Ian Gillan all wrapped into one. The glaring difference is that he's not over 50. His work with MASTERPLAN was amazing, but his solo material always comes across as more soulful.

2. THE AMAN FOLK ORCHESTRA - "Main Title" from Subspecies soundtrack
~ We need a little cheese every now and again. That said, the Subspecies soundtrack is one of the creepiest horror soundtracks out there. It's sad that the film series never achieved any mainstream success (did ANY Charles Band flick??), otherwise this album might not be out-of-print today.

3. THE GAME - "One Night" from Doctor's Advocate
~ I think that sometimes rap music grounds me, especially the stuff that is based in reality. A lot of the stories these guys spill are quite humbling, but I can understand if it comes across as too abrasive for some people. Honestly, THE GAME can sound quite depressing at times.

4. GREEN JELLY - "Carnage Rules" from 333
~ Sometimes, in addition to cheese, we need to be downright silly, right? I don't think GREEN JELLY (JELLO) ever released a serious song, or ever could. "Carnage Rules" is one of those little ditties that blends punk and metal and makes you want to bounce around the room like a complete idiot.

5. SCAR SYMMETRY - "Seeds of Rebellion" from Symmetric In Design
~ And speaking of abrasive...I've always had a fondness for Scar Symmetry, because they remind me of what EDGE OF SANITY could have evolved into, had the band continued to exist and if Dan Swanö didn't have a penchant for 70s folk rock. SCAR SYMMETRY is also among the very few bands that can combine death growls and silky clean vocals in the same song and make it sound perfectly natural.

6. JAMES HORNER - "Genesis Countdown" from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan soundtrack
~ Yes, I'm a bit of a nerd when it comes to movies, and like those fellows in Free Enterprise, I hold Wrath of Khan in very high regards. And it's not just the movie itself that makes the film great. I feel that Horner really peaked with this one, and although he's done some great things since 1982 (Aliens, Willow, Clear and Present Danger, Apocalypto), I will always see this as his crowning achievement. It is actually kinda sad that the very next year (1983), he would plagiarize his own work when he scored the soundtrack to Krull.

7. DURAN DURAN - "Make Me Smile (Come Up And See Me)" from The Reflex single
~Yeah, it's an obscure DD song, and a live recording at that. I don't know, there was always something about DD that intrigued me - their sense of melody, the combination of eccentric synthesizer work with incredibly underrated bass guitar work and smooth vocals. They just always sounded sincere, even if their lyrics never made any sense. I think another part of their charm is that no matter what they do, whenever I listen to them (current album excluded), I feel like a little kid again, plopped in front of the television, watching the equally confusing videos on MTV.

8. PAUL DI'ANNO - "Wrathchild" from The Classics: The Maiden Years
~ it is sad that nearly 30 years later, poor ol' Paul is still shilling his brief work with Iron Maiden. Yeah, he only appeared on 2 albums, but they were pivotal albums in the band's career. And I don't care what anyone says, no one can sing those songs with the fervor that Paul brings to them (sorry, Bruce). I guess when you are involved with a band that big, no one cares what else you do. I don't think Paul has had an album of original material released in America in over 10 years. I could be wrong, so don't quote me on it.

9. PABLO FRANCISCO - "Mentos" from Knee to the Groin
~ This guy is just hilarious. The guy could read the obituaries, and I think I would still chuckle. This is his take on how ridiculously cheerful the people in Mentos commercials are, regardless of the situation they are in. It's only a 43-second track, but it's a riot.

10. BLACKMORE'S NIGHT - "Shadow of the Moon" from Shadow of the Moon
~ And closing our set today is one of the most charming, most inventive songs by Ritchie Blackmore's (guitarist for Deep Purple and Rainbow) current musical incarnation. The combination of folky, medieval sounding music with Candice Night's Stevie Nicks-meets-Loreena McKennitt, ambient vocals make this track simply enchanting. I feel like taking a barefoot walk through a forest right now. If only it weren't 40 degrees outside...

Grouch The Oscar or Spending An Evening Complaining About Entertainment

Okay, now that the Oscars are finally over and the noses-upturned-to-anything-interesting committee is able to focus their collective inability to acknowledge good movies towards next year, it is time for me to chime in on a few things.

Okay, since NO ONE was surprised that Heath Ledger was going to win, why is everyone acting like they are? Out of all the films in his hot-fudge-with-sprinkles career, only a handful was actually watchable. Now, outlets like EW and Rolling Stone are calling him the modern James Dean? Give me a friggin’ break. Did ANYONE see the piece of garbage that was A Knight’s Tale? Granted, he was good in The Patriot, but I think that was more because of the story than his acting ability, but people are now citing Ten Things I Hate About You as some kind of zeitgeisty, introspective work of visual art.

I’m not going to go on about this, because it really turns my stomach to see Hollywood (and the general public) get all gushy and sentimental just because dude died. Let’s leave it at this, THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS AN ACCIDENTAL OVERDOSE! If it was accidental, then there would have been an eyewitness who was with him watching him do it. It was suicide, plain and simple, and I have NO respect for anyone who thinks their life is so hard that the only way for them to move forward is to cut the cord. Yes, I’m talking to you, too, Herr Cobain.

Anyway, let’s turn our attention to Sean Penn for a moment. Now, I loved the guy in Fast Times At Ridgemont High, We’re No Angels, Casualties of War, and Carlito’s Way. But ever since his portrayal as David Kleinfeld in 1993, it seems that he has started choosing movies for the sole purpose of getting Academy nods, rather than stretching his acting chops. Sure, you can say that he’s smart for doing it, but I think that is a cowardly, and safe, way to go through an acting career. Wouldn’t you rather be someone like Ed Harris or Robert DeNiro, who are great in everything, regardless of the Academy batting an eye at them?

I dunno, I think I’m just sick of seeing Penn’s name in the nominee list every other year. It’s kinda like the same thing with period and political films getting nominated for all the major awards every year. Come on guys, that’s the formula, why nominate the exact same crap every year? That extends to BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN COSTUME DESIGN, too. Umm, if period films are so plentiful all the time, do you really need to keep nominating them? What makes one film’s 19th Century-inspired attire better than anothers? Maybe I need to be a seamstress to understand.

And speaking of not understanding, what is up with BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM OF THE YEAR? Granted, I am glad that Wall*E won, but look at its competition. Kung Fu Panda and Bolt? What happened to nominating films of substance? What exactly are the criteria for nominating animated movies anyway? It must be pretty, it must be funny, and it must target 4-year-olds? Seriously, I think this award only exists to draw in the youngsters, who will be able to see the exact same award at Nickelodeon’s Kid’s Choice Awards. It’s kinda like having Grammys nominating Latin artists, but having Latin Grammys, too. There’s no point.

What’s even more confusing, is that I looked up the nomination rules for Best Animated Feature. Check this out, I pulled it right from http://www.oscars.org/:

The Executive Committee of the Short Films and Feature Animation Branch shall meet prior to the last Board of Governors meeting of this calendar year. At this meeting, a Reminder List of the animated feature films released during the year shall be reviewed. If the committee finds that there are eight or more eligible animated feature films that warrant a category, it may choose to recommend to the Board of Governors that there be a Best Animated Feature Film award given this year. If the governors accept this recommendation, the following nomination process shall be set in motion.

Okay, so the category is optional, no problem. I totally understand. Some years there just aren’t any nominatable films for Best Animated Feature – because anything more mind-numbing than Kung Fu Panda shouldn’t be considered. However, did you notice that they need EIGHT films for consideration to have the category submitted? Umm, there are only ever THREE films nominated. Where did the other FIVE go??? On top of that, John “Pixar” Lasseter is part of said committee! The dude is nominating his own movies! One more reason this category is irrelevant.

I really don’t want to go on a rant about The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and the curious case of its 13 nominations. You’ve heard it all before, it’s a half-baked, heartless Xerox of Forrest Gump, you don’t connect with the characters, Tilda Swinton is still a scary-looking bitch, and the tie-in to Hurricane Katrina was completely tasteless. Why the 13 noms? I guess the Academy was bored. Or they were too afraid to nominate movies like Appaloosa and Gran Torino. I thought whenever Clint Eastwood crapped dust, it got nominated. Oh wait, there were racial slurs in this movie. Can’t have that. Because reality isn’t what they go for with Oscar nominations…except Animated Feature.

This brings me to my biggest beef with Oscar nominations. And I have this same gripe year after year (I just never had a blog before). One of the most overlooked, and under-researched categories at the Academy Awards is BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN MUSIC WRITTEN FOR A MOTION PICTURE, ORIGINAL SCORE. I kinda figured Slumdog Millionaire was going to take this one, because it was so different from everything else.

However, I fancy myself a fan of film scores, and I found that one completely unlistenable. It was noisy, it was chaotic, but it was Bollywood! That’s the politically-correct way to go these days! Seriously, did it win Best Score, because it WAS the best score, or did it win simply because it also took Best Picture and Best Director? Maybe my ears are not attuned to Indian music, but that sloshy, gumbo of an album was little more than a sonic headache. Seriously, the hodgepodge of techno-Indian-dance-hip hop sounded like a bad Nintendo game or some bizarre fetishist amine.

But hey, let’s look at the other nominees.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Alexandre Desplat) – seriously? This was Desplat doing his best Danny Elfman impersonation. Yeah, I get that he was trying to fuse fantasy and drama, but I thought the licensed music for the film (you know, all the old school big band and jazz standards) were much more interesting.

Milk (Danny Elfman) - Speaking of not interesting, this was another one of those moments where Danny Elfman tries to make himself contemporarily relevant by NOT sounding like Danny Elfman. Milk came off sounding more like a cross between Splash and Arthur – uninspired and derivative.

Defiance (James Newton Howard) – and yes, on the derivative tip, here we have another go at standard espionage fare, a la John Powell’s Bourne series, or anything with a spy and guns in it for that matter. Why was it nominated? Oh, it had random cello solos, which drew some comparisons to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (which incidentally won the Best Score Oscar in 2001). Ah, 2001 was actually the last decent year for nail-biting film score noms – Crouching Tiger, Gladiator, and The Patriot? All classics in my book. Defiance, however, is not.

Wall*E (Thomas Newman) – the only one of the bunch I felt deserving of a nomination. Since there was no dialogue during the first half of the film, it was the music that carried the action. I thought Newman did a stellar job combining childlike whimsy, isolation, and adventure in one little eco-friendly, cardboard-sleeved package. I guess the win is reparation for last year's Ratatouille upset. Yes, it is too bad the Academy is deaf.

And while we’re on the subject, I did some perusing at the Oscars website and learned some rather weird things about the committee that makes these bizarre and lackluster nominations. Here are the Board of Governors (as they are called on the site). I should also note that all my info about them can be verified on IMDB.

Charles Fox – primarily a TV composer, whose BIGGEST films include National Lampoon’s European Vacation (you remember, the really bad Pig In A Poke one), 9 to 5, Zapped! and Short Circuit 2. The last feature film he scored was a 1995 talking pig movie called Gordy. Truly a magnificent list of credits. He’s definitely qualified to make these decisions.

Bruce Broughton - also largely a TV composer. Biggest films include Silverado, The Presidio, and Harry and the Hendersons. Last movie scored was a 1998 Stephen Baldwin vehicle called One Tough Cop. Now, don’t get me wrong, he’s done some good things…20 years ago. Again, not really sure if his ears are attuned to making good decisions.

Arthur Hamilton - scored ONE FILM in 1955. He’s primarily a songwriter, who is best known for the tune “Cry Me A River”, (not to be confused with the Justin Timberlake ditty) which was featured in 6 movies. How in the hell is this guy qualified to sit on a board that decides what film scores get nominated for Oscars? That’s like making a 6-year-old teach astro-physics, because he can make paper airplanes.

Now, if I was on the board, what would I have nominated? Glad you asked. Besides Wall*E, I would have cleaned house and NOT even considered the other four noms. That frees me up to make four new choices. I would have nominated the following film scores:

The Happening (James Newton Howard) – Yes, I feel he was nominated for the wrong movie. He also could have very easily been nominated for The Dark Knight (which he would have had to share with Hans "needs more synthesized strings" Zimmer) as well, but I thought this score was much more visceral. It was probably among the best suspense scores since the days of Bernard Herrmann. He should have also been nominated last year for The Great Debaters, but I really don’t want to get into the debacle that was the 80th Academy Awards. I’d just start spewing about how American Gangster was completely robbed of any dignity.

HELLBOY 2 (Danny Elfman) – Again, nominated for the wrong film. Milk was extremely lactose-intolerant, while Hellboy was injected with an ample supply of Nestlé Quik. Sure, you could argue that it is standard Elfman fare, but I would disagree. Sure, most of the work he’s done since the late 80s has been a variation or rehashing of Pee Wee’s Big Adventure and Beetlejuice. To this day, I am shocked that Beetlejuice was never considered for an Oscar in 1988/89. But Hellboy II represents a more refined, mature, and no less adventurous Elfman. It’s a score that combines mayhem and heart, which is an odd mix, but Elfman can pull it off.

Mongol (Tuomas Kantelinen) – Yeah, the guy is a complete unknown in America. Then again, so is the film. But holy crap, is this a great, epic score. Kantelinen effortlessly channels the old school Hollywood epic film score legends like Miklos Rosza and Alex North, and offers something passionate and brutal. It’s like what Jerry Goldsmith was gunning for with The 13th Warrior, but better.

Nights In Rodanthe (Jeanine Tesori) – Sure, I know this is completely unbecoming of me, but this is some very moving music. This is also Tesori’s first proper film score, as she is primarily known as a Broadway composer. I have no desire to see the movie, but the music is completely gut-wrenching. It is like a modern classical sonata. Very romantic, and very rare for the world of film scores.

And there you have it, kiddies, my Oscar rant for this year. I really don’t know why I let silly little things like the get under my skin, because ultimately, what is more frivolous than an organization that puts on a multi-million dollar beauty pageant to pay homage to the entertainment industry? Think about it, it’s a show that honors movies. It’s kinda like a paradox, isn’t it? I just hope that somewhere down the line, the Academy Awards will be more based on what people want to see, rather than what Oprah’s Book Club thinks we should see.

The Great Programming Conspiracy

When it comes to prime time television programming, I seem to be cursed. Every time I latch on to a particular show, inexplicably, it typically gets cancelled within two seasons.

The reason I am going on this little rant today is because I found out that two shows in my weekly diet, PUSHING DAISIES and ELI STONE are going the way of the dodo. Obviously, it is chalked up to poor ratings and probably more accurately, a lack of proper promotion. It isn’t like these shows were lacking for content. I think the bigger issue is that many of these shows that get cancelled within a season or two do not connect with the mass audiences. Many of the jokes leave the average couch potato staring blankly, waiting for a fart joke or some time-proven slapstick. It is because of this that I fear that my latest weekly fave, THE BIG BANG THEORY will probably vaporize within a year, too.

PUSHING DAISIES, I thought, was a great premise. It had great use of color, excellent character development, and a cast composed of people you could really feel for; even Chi McBride’s über-cynical Emerson Cod. And the odd guest stars were always a welcome treat, especially Paul Reubens’ olfactorily-enhanced Oscar Vibenius. Quirky, yes, but it took on the challenges of relationships in a fresh, twisted light, much like its sister shows, WONDERFALLS and DEAD LIKE ME. All three of these, it comes as little surprise, were all the brainchild of Bryan Fuller, a man who also seems to have a curse, since everything he gets on the air has a relatively short lifespan, only to become cult classics when released on DVD.

ELI STONE, on the other hand, was probably a victim of its own implausible plot. A lawyer with a brain tumor, who could die at any time, has danger-ridden visions of the future (because of the tumor), and tries to adjust his life to avoid or quell the danger before it happens. The first season was great; lots of recognizable faces (Natasha Henstridge from SPECIES, Loretta Devine from GREY’S ANATOMY, and Victor Garber of ALIAS among them), and heartwarming stories lined with sardonic humor. It should be noted that Garber was also on a program about two years ago that I thoroughly enjoyed, JUSTICE, but was cancelled during its premiere season. See, I’m cursed.

Anyway, ELI STONE, like I said was bound by its own premise. At the close of the first season, the title character received an operation, thus eliminating the cause of his visions. Then, miraculously, during the early part of the second season, his brother starts having visions. Whoa, did you see that shark??? Anyway, I kept watching it, because I liked the characters, not that I could really relate to them in any way, but I liked the fact that they all seemed to be working really hard to better their own lives. And that alone is a great message to send to people sluggishly draped over their furniture, who are still waiting for that punchline.

I don’t know. Maybe I want a little more out of my television entertainment. That, or I just have REALLY bad luck. But like I said, I’ve latched on to tons of TV shows over the years that didn’t have legs. Even growing up in the 1980s, I aligned my loyalties with programs too ludicrous to continue to exist, like AUTOMAN, STREET HAWK, and MISFITS OF SCIENCE. Sure, I also watched those ratings-hounds, like THE A-TEAM and KNIGHT RIDER, but I mostly watched them so I had something to discuss with the kids at school. Hell, even in the late 80s, when FOX TV came into existence, some of my favorites included PARKER LEWIS CAN’T LOSE, HERMAN’S HEAD, THE NEW ADVENTURES OF BEANS BAXTER, and THEY CAME FROM OUTER SPACE (I don’t think this one was a FOX show, but it had the same sensibilities as a FOX program).

Again, I do have my tendencies to follow the occasional network hit, like FRIENDS, BOSTON LEGAL (which dies in two weeks), DOCTOR WHO (does that count?), LOST (which had a pre-ordained lifespan), and HAWAII FIVE-O (which aired its final episode what, 30 years ago???). But it will always be those little shows that come in, make their statement and then vanish into the ether, that always hold a special place in the recesses of my memory.

To this day, one of my favorite (and arguably the best-constructed) television shows in history is THE PRISONER, which itself lasted only 17 episodes. So I guess I should just suck it up and enjoy these little nuggets while they are around. I will leave the rest of America to wallow in its self-loathing ambience of FAMILY GUY, CSI, and 24, while I wait around for the next INSIDE SCHWARTZ.

Psychos ‘R Us or The Problem With MySpace Fan Groups

We have all been a fan of something at one point or another, be it for a sports team, a music artist, a film or television show; something. And most of the time, there are official fan clubs for victims of said vice. With the onset of the Internet came a new means of fan expression, which is the online fan group. Now the doors have been broken down and fans of whatever can join these exclusive (though most of them claim to be inclusive – as in, open to anyone, but if you’re not really a fan, you don’t belong there), no matter where they are in the world. The Internet has created a new country, of sorts. One nation under a colon-right parenthesis.

Along with the Internet and fan groups eventually came MySpace, a lovely little gathering place where music artists and film-makers can promote their wares free of label interference. It’s also a happy meeting ground for people who don’t want to interact in the real world. Eventually, MySpace hopped on the fan forum band wagon, and now it seems that everything on the planet, from Super Mario Bros to toilet paper has some form of forum where fans can get together and have online conversations relating to that one topic.

Modern forums, however, take a more personal stance, and use the vice to lure people in to become “friends” based on a mutual admiration of the given topic. These devolve into day-to-day life (a la SIMS) conversations that have little to nothing to do with the primary thread of interest. And this is where public forums go wrong. Once you cross the barrier into everyday nonsense, you automatically assume that everyone reading is your “friend” and actually cares about that which you are discussing. This type of conversation neither fosters new membership, nor does it really help anyone outside of simple catharsis, which is what I thought the point of a blog was…silly me. Sometimes these forums get back on topic, but mostly, online forums have replaced the mid-day soap opera.

Wow, three paragraphs of setup; I’d better get to my point. I, too, have been bitten by the online fan group bug, and on occasion, have been known to pop in, give my support or two cents on a given topic, and ultimately try to help cultivate mutual appreciation for the topic or kick-start a conversation. All in good fun, as they say. However, I have also been privy to several online forums, particularly housed in MySpace, where the good nature and mutual respect of others devolved into bizarre contests, where members would puff their chests and compete with other members, with the air of “I’m a better fan than you, because…”. I’ve also witnessed MySpace forums where they say that they are open to both sexes, but when you try to get into a conversation about a particular artist, the comments turn very “girly”, and discuss an artist’s looks rather than any meaningful insight. It is times like this when you see that many people are “members” of a forum, but only 10-20 are actually active, thus nullifying the actual “size” of the conversational party.

Now, I normally wouldn’t have a problem with this, because usually, I would just call it a day and leave the group, allowing them to wallow in their own self-righteousness. However, thanks to MySpace, these fan groups now have the ability to promote themselves directly to the artist. This becomes a problem when the artist, thinking nothing nefarious is afoot, directly opens a line of communication with the fan group. Why is this a problem? Well, to put it simply, fan groups are there to appreciate an artist, not the other way around. There are several fan groups out in the world that share their appreciation without the need for personal contact with the artist. However, these MySpace groups feel the need to shove themselves in the artists’ faces and eventually start asking for favors that cross the boundary between fan and artist.

I completely understand the overwhelming honor it is to receive a personal message from someone you admire, and I think it is even more special when you get an opportunity to meet the artist, but there are MySpace groups out there that actually demand acknowledgement from the artist. And THAT is simply wrong.

There is a MySpace group out there that was founded about a year ago. It was designed to pay homage to a band the members “discovered” during a certain band’s 30th Anniversary Reunion Tour. Honestly, I believe the group was actually formed, because the singer of this band is the son of the singer of the band that celebrated its 30th Anniversary last year. (NOTE: I am evading the use of these band names, because I don’t want this cropping up on a Google Alert and getting picked up as a piece of “press.”)

Here is the mission statement for the main page, minus the artist’s name, of course:

I am making it my mission to help promote BAND NAME HERE as much as possible and to that end I am creating this group for everyone who loves the band and wants to help support them. We already have a few successful road trips under our belts all around Europe and one or two in the US too! We get actively involved in promoting the band on regular occasions. It's all going on in here! Welcome to the SILLY FAN NAME group page and I hope that you enjoy it in here even half as much as I do! ROCK!!!

Now, based on that, one would think this is an altruistic forum designed to actually help the band progress. Nothing wrong with that. However, there is much more going on in this forum than anything a band would want to associate itself with. Shortly after forming, the administrator of the forum began bombarding other fan sites message boards and even the band’s own MySpace Comments section with a recruitment pitch, which gets re-posted several times per month:

For all the new fans just logging in - the SILLY FAN NAME fan group is actively recruiting new members at the moment. It's a great place to hang out - you get loads of news and updates, meet loads of other awesome BAND NAME fans, there are competitions, photo's, video's, music and MORE. We are also very active in supporting the guys through various promotions and PR campaigns so if you want to help spread the word - come on over!You will find us here:http://groups.myspace.com/SILLYFANNAME

Again, we see that it looks like that it is a great group to be a part of. Competitions, loads of news, and are active in promotion! Hell, sign me up. Slow down. Unfortunately, all that glitters is definitely not gold, and there is a sickening, almost inhuman underbelly to this group.

Let’s begin with competitions. Yes, there are competitions, open to everyone (who has a MySpace account and is a member of the fan group). However, most of the prizes are obtained from begging, prodding, and sometimes lying to the band. I’ve actually witnessed it happening. And the band, not wanting to disappoint (or lose) fans, obliges, providing prizes that would be considered somewhat collectible on the secondary market. So, the MySpace group has its little contests. Who wins? One of the 10-15 ladies in the group’s inner circle. These are the ONLY people who ever win the contests. This is in addition to the fact that the group’s moderator usually keeps the most choice “prizes” for herself.

News and Updates? Well, occasionally they offer news, but 9 times out of ten, they stole it from one of the actual fan-run websites devoted solely to promoting the band. Many members of the MySpace group are also members of other forums on these fan-run websites. Sometimes they share information, and sometimes they just keep it to themselves.

Active in promotion? Sure, I guess you can say that, once in a while, they do little promotional campaigns to try to spread the band’s name. However, they are limited to the fact that there are less than 20 of them doing it, and many of their promotions are coordinated without the label’s or management’s knowledge. A lot of times, these promotions are completely for naught, such as begging a radio station relentlessly to play the band, when the station isn’t even aware of the band’s existence. Sure, you could say this is a way to introduce the band to the station, but many times, either you are stepping on the radio promoter’s toes (you know, the guy whose job it is to have a relationship with the correct stations) or you are simply annoying a DJ who wants nothing to do with you, because he’s got a set playlist from which to choose songs, as directed by the mafia…I mean, Clear Channel. Other promotions they do actually involve the label, but usually, they are online, street-team related projects that merely act as free advertising for the label.

Again, I guess I still am not making my point clear. What exactly is the problem with this MySpace fan group? Quite simply, they started out appreciating the band, but now, they want the band to appreciate them! Last year, they organized a special meet-and-greet with the band after a performance in Amsterdam at a pub down the street from the venue. They gave the band Xmas presents and took a lot of pictures. No big deal. Then, a couple months back, the group celebrated its own 1-year anniversary party at a pub where the band’s lead singer often played solo shows. Therefore, they prodded the band to come out to celebrate with them. Thankfully, that never came to fruition.

The band is performing once again in Amsterdam, but this time, the band’s management arranged a meet-and-greet in conjunction with one of the fan-run websites, at the same pub, and this MySpace group is all up-in-arms, claiming that they were usurped, that they should be treated to such information directly from the band, that it’s “THEIR” pub, and that there is some kind of conspiracy surrounding it, with the band not being notified or anything.

Got news for ya, kids, standard meet-and-greet procedure is that the band USUALLY doesn’t know anything about it until the week before, or the week of the event. I know this, because I spent several years as a music publicist.

Now, what makes this situation really disgusting is that most of these “ladies” (I put it in quotes, because I have a hard time considering them as human beings) are already going to be attending four of the other performances leading up to the Amsterdam gig, where they will surely have plenty of time to visit with the band.

Oh, I almost forgot, they are also planning (unwittingly) to piss off every other fan attending the Amsterdam show by somehow rigging their way to the front row. You see, one of them had this “great” idea of making black t-shirts, each adorned with one letter in the band’s name, and standing along the front row, so the band can see its own name bouncing back at them. Sure, it sounds novel, but they aren’t taking into account that they JUST MIGHT NOT be the only fans of the band there. This venue holds 1900 people, and the show is almost sold out. Also, this band is the headliner. So what does that tell you? Methinks there will be a fight or three!

But, back to the meet-and-greet. Apparently, the group moderator became so flustered by the lack of acknowledgement that she sent a whining email, crying directly to the band. And, do you want to know something EVEN MORE pathetic and disgusting? In an effort to retain those fans, and not upset its 10-15 MySpace Fan Group members, the band has agreed to do something special for them. This is REALLY sad, because two of these “ladies” already possess articles of the band members’ clothing, and one of them , I have no idea how she got this, but one of them has one of the customized speaker cabinet covers for one of their amplifiers! Am I jealous? Maybe a little, but to be fair, I DON’T ASK FOR ANYTHING besides maybe an autograph and a photo with the artist. I don’t need more than that to be satisfied with the experience. Apparently, this fan group thinks it has transcended the notion of “fan” and deems itself members of the band’s inner family.

And now, I present you, the most frightening bit of evidence, depicting this “fan group” in its natural habitat. I’ve removed their names, because…well, because it’s just a nice thing to do in a situation like this. (For the record, the only words in this I inserted and capitalized were PSYCHO, SILLY FAN GROUP, FAN WEBSITES, BAND MEMBER, PSYCHO MODERATOR, BAND, DRUMMER, and PSYCHO WHO DOESN'T POST. Everything else, they did themselves.) So, grab some popcorn, cue the Bernard Herrmann music, and enjoy.

PSYCHO 1: It seems like a nice gesture, although I do hope they will still meet us SILLY FAN GROUP after the show. This meet & greet in the afternoon sounds like a publicity stunt..not quite the atmosphere we are after methinks? I wíll go, of course..

PSYCHO 2: Honest to God ! This whole meet’n’greet sounds like a nightmare !!
I mean, if it’s been posted on just about every forum, it’s gonna end up with hundreds of people being there !!
I’m sure there’s a better chance of meeting the guys earlier on ! Tho, it is a bit sad (very selfishly speaking here...) that they’ve become so popular, that they can’t do a meet’n’greet.......

PSYCHO 1: I was trying to be nice about it, but YOU SAID IT SIS! I am actually horrified that this was posted so publicly. This was OUR nice little tradition that is now made public. BAH. I feel I should go to show my loyalty, but I don’t look forward to it much.

PSYCHO 3: that’s what i thought when i saw that post on FAN WEBSITES (and it will surely appear at facebook maybe...) - it’s gonna be so many people there.. :(
i just hope they will meet us before of after show. somehow i think we still ARE kind of special fans for them... or no??

PSYCHO 4: I really don’t know what to make of this but judging by how popular they are in Holland I’d imagine it will be mobbed. Seems a bit strange to do this when they really don’t need to do that much promotion with the gig mostly sold out. Lets see what PSYCHO MODERATOR makes of it, I say!

PSYCHO MODERATOR: I am horrified!!! That was OUR place! We set that meeting up last year and I asked them if they would meet US again this year - not the whole bloody world and his wife; Added to the no response to emails situation I can only assume they are backing off from us. They have probably been advised to by "management". I know they are planning on celebrating BAND MEMBER’s birthday after the gig so they are probably heading off to a club or somewhere. Well, we knew it wouldn’t last too long - that once they were a bit bigger............
AND - why are management sending the information to FAN WEBSITE and not us??! I feel a little let down I have to say. I made that happen last year - that was all because I set it up - I don’t understand why they could not give us a heads up :-(

PSYCHO 1: I hear ya all. BUT I have unwavered faith in the boys themselves. I think with them being on a break, they are not as much hands on with the plans that are made for them. Anyway we can ask them about it after the French shows. I KNOW they would never piss us off deliberately.
And PSYCHO MODERATOR, I don’t think they are close to big enough to forget about the old school fans. I think they have a bit of a distance to go for that. I just don’t see it. To my mind, things are not THAT different from one year ago. And they have never been very diligent with the e-mails before... I say let’s NOT PANIC! It will be OK!

PSYCHO 5: What the frikkety do da is this all about?!
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE WORLD?! ;O)
I do feel really bad for you though PSYCHO MODERATOR...i thought they would have at least mailed you so you had a heads up - i do feel that’s bad craic. Have they forgotten who you are and what you’ve done for them? I hope we’re missing a clue to the mystery of manners here.

PSYCHO 2: I think there’s something odd about this....1. How does the BAND management know about the pub??? None of them were there last year!? So I’m thinking the idea must come from the guys themselves...2. Have they even checked with the pub if they’re prepared for the potential massive invasion of fans?? If even 100 people show up, there’s gonna be problems with the space (if it’s the same pub we were in!). I remember we were less than 20 people, and we filled up more than 1/4 of the pub!

PSYCHO MODERATOR: Thanks - to all of you for your comments! As I said before - I never "expect" anything from them - why would I?! I didn’t do this to get favor with the guys - I did it because I believe in them and want them to do well! BUT. I was miffed. Very miffed. Am even more miffed now that I know that they are doing a meet and greet at someone ELSE’S behest in OUR pub.
But.
PSYCHO 1 was right. Apparently they never knew about it until this evening and only because SOMEONE (who shall remain nameless!) contacted them and basically told them about the kerfuffle. So - I got an email from DRUMMER - who said that he had only just heard and that he knew that we met up there and it was something his manager must have set up (but he didn’t even seem sure about that). He also said he hoped it wasn’t stepping on anyone’s toes!! I wasn’t going to lie to him so I told him there WAS a lot of consternation about it as (in total fairness I think) we considered that OUR pub as our night there last year was very special for all of us. I told him that the thing we/I was most miffed about was that every other site except us was informed. I also said I assume it meant the meet and greet I had requested was not on the cards but they probably never even got that request now I think about it. So. The upshot is I told him I WAS very glad he had contacted me anyway~ I mean he didn’t have to! And they do have a lot of OTHER fans. So at least they felt it was important enough to warrant an email and now I feel a bit better! You were right PSYCHO 1! You did say so earlier on the phone to me as well - and it appears that it is just a coincidence. Some coincidence though huh?! I don’t know if I will go or not - I mean I WANT to - but I really wanted to get a new group picture for the page - and I can’t see that happening really - I also wanted to get a pic of us all in PSYCHO WHO DOESN’T POST’s tee shirts with them - but I guess we can do that without them! They still look after their fans very well at gigs and everyone should have the opportunity to have a meet and greet with them - we were just very lucky last year that it worked out the way it did and was organised so far in advance. I should have maybe realised they had not received my message about it - I just thought they didn’t want to do it or hadn’t decided about it yet. Silly me. He who dares wins!

PSYCHO MODERATOR I am not saying too much now as I can’t. We may not have to stand in line all night. Not sure exactly yet but something nice is heading our way ok?? And I will NOT be posting it up here - I will be contacting everyone coming individually. As with our secret meeting last year, there has been a suggestion made but it has to be kept quiet. Sorry - I know I am being very mysterious! We may not have to be in Amsterdam QUITE so early but I think it might be a good idea to still plan to be there that early.
So - don’t be holding your breath or anything but all the guys and their manager are upset that we are upset as there really was just a lack of communication but they are trying to sort something out for us specially (cuz they ROCK!!!).

So, am I out of line? Am I seeing something that isn't really there? Or are there some MySpace groups out there that take the term "fan" to mean a little bit more than it's root "fanatic"? Seriously, this sort of behavior reminds me of something you would see on an after school special, or one of those freaky PG-13 movies that star complete nutters. The Crush and Swimfan come to mind. I will leave you with this frightening nugget. The primary difference between those movies and this fan group is that in the movies, the "ladies" are obsessive teenagers. This fan group is comprised largely of housewives and single "ladies" in their 30s-50s. Scary!

It's Halloween! Where's my Silver Shamrock mask???

I’ve been lapsing in my posting, so I’m going to try to make up for it with a rather long one. Enjoy!

With Halloween lurking around the corner (a matter of hours, actually), I deemed it necessary to chime in on a heinous crime that is being enacted on this hallow-ed (I know, bad pun) day.

When I am at home on Halloween, there are a couple things I always look forward to:
1. hoarding the best candy from the giant metal bowl, so that I don’t feel so guilty for giving it to unthankful children
2. being a complete jerk to those kids (usually teenagers) who just didn’t feel like dressing up, and
3. kicking back with the TV on and watching hours upon hours of horror movies.

While the first two of that list will surely come to pass, it is unfortunate that I will really have to search around to find any good Halloween programming this year. Most cable networks, including Turner Classic Movies, AMC (Awful Movie Crap, formerly known as American Movie Classics), and ABC Family have been showing horror films throughout the month leading up to Halloween. That said, I did a bit of scanning ahead with the ol’ DVR to see what all the networks have planned for Friday. And here is the list of Halloween-related programming for 10/31/08:

Beginning at 6pm ET:

FX – House of Wax (4:30)
HIST – Haunted History of Halloween
TRAV – Halloween’s Most Extreme
BRAVO – 100 Scariest Movie Moments (marathon)
TCM – Bedlam (5)
AMC – Constantine
E! – 20 Most Horrifying Hollywood Moments
BIO – Mediums: We See Dead People
HIST-I – History’s Mysteries: Crypts, Coffins and Corpses
WE – Extreme Ghost Stories
TDIS – Alvin & The Chipmunks Meet Frankenstein
HBO2 – Ghost, then The Craft
HBOSE – The Crucible
HBOF – Ghost Trackers
MAX-E – Hills Have Eyes 2 (remake)
MMX-E – Dominion: Prequel to The Exorcist
MAX-W – Rosemary’s Baby
TMC-E – The Dark (5:15)
STARZ2 – Hatchet (5:30)

8:00pm
ION – The Canterville Ghost (7pm - 1996)
FX – Halloween H20
HIST – Modern Marvels: Halloween Tech
TRAV – Ghost Adventures
FAM – Poltergeist
TOON – Goosebumps
TCM – The Haunted Palace (1964)
AMC – Resident Evil
E! – Doomed To Die? 13 Curses
TVLAND – marathon of Halloween episodes of classic tv
SCIFI – Ghost Hunters Live
BIO – More Haunted Houses
WE – Extreme Ghost Stories
NTOON – Are you Afraid of the Dark?
FUSE – Fear.com (7pm)
ENCR1 – Silence of the Lambs
G4 – The Host
IFC – Eaten Alive (7:15pm)
RETRO – Night of the Living Dead
HBOCM – Snakes on a Plane
SHOCE – Hannibal Rising
TMCE – The Dead One (7:30)
STRZ2 – The Bone Collector (7pm)
STRZ3 – Resident Evil: Extinction

10pm
CN8 – Sometimes They Come Back (9pm)
ION – Legend of Sleepy Hollow (9pm, 1999)
FX – Ghost Ship (9pm)
HIST – Primal Fear (doc, not movie)
FOOD – Food Network Challenge: Haunted Gingerbread Houses
DIS – RL Stine’s Mostly Ghostly
TCM – Die, Monster, Die!(9:30)
AMC – House on Haunted Hill (1999)
BIO – Ghosts: Fact or Fiction
WE – Ghost Moms
TDISE – Power Rangers marathon
FUSE – Hellraiser (9pm)
ENCR1 – Child’s Play
FLIXE – The Blair Witch Project (9:45pm)
TVONE – Blacula (9pm)
MAXE – Jaws
MAXW – Fear (1996)
AMAX – Predator
WMAX – The Reaping
SHOCE – Incubus (2005)
TMCE – Snoop Dogg’s Hood of Horrors
STRZ2 – 30 Days of Night
STRZ3 – Seven
STRZ5 – Grindhouse

12am
BRAVO – The Exorcist (11pm)
TCM – The Shuttered Room (11pm)
AMC – Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007)
FUSE – Body Snatchers (11pm)
ENCR1 – Firestarter (11:30pm)
ENCR5 – Maniac Cop 2 (12:10am)
RETRO – Videodrome (11:40pm)
FLIXE – The Wicker Man (1973, 11:10pm)
TVONE – Scream, Blacula, Scream (11)
SHOE – Saw III
TMCE – Man’s Best Friend
STRZ3 – The Cell

There are a few things that strike me as terribly odd with this batch of programs, and I will delve into each in turn. Firstly, do you notice that I didn’t list ANYTHING from the major networks (ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX, etc.)? Well, that is because they must feel that Halloween is beneath them, so they are all sticking to their regular Friday programming schedule. Was it really so long ago that you could chill on a Halloween night and flip from channel to channel to channel and almost always land on a spook-fest of some sort? Anyway, it seems that the cable networks (and the premium networks) are trying to pick up some of the slack. Let’s move on.

Okay, we’ve got The History Channel, Travel Network, Bravo, E!, Biography, History International, WE…essentially all of the Infotainment & Gossip networks all playing some form of scary countdown or quantitative theme show that centers around something resembling the macabre. Let me ask you this, when you’re handing out candy with the lights off, do you really want some bland narrative running in the background? Where is the atmosphere in that? Come on, I’ve seen movies shown on most, if not all of those channels on normal programming days, why stop now? I’m probably going a little bit overboard on this one, because at least they are ‘trying’ to get into the spirit of the season. I’m a little biased, because I feel a lot of those ‘Top Ten’ list shows are a bunch of crapped that were actually compiled by the show’s own producers, thereby forcing the viewer what is considered the elite of the given topic. Don’t get me started with those damned VH-1 shows…moving on.

Some cable networks are following the major networks’ lead and ignoring the holiday altogether. Here’s a little rundown:

8:00pm
TNT – The Da Vinci Code
TMCXE – Employee of the Month
STZ1 – Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
STRZ5 – The Holiday
STR6 – Daddy Day Camp

10pm
TBS – Fun With Dick and Jane
TVLAND – Police Academy
THE N – Fresh Prince of Bel-Air marathon
ENCR6 – Catch and Release
TDISE – Power Rangers marathon
STRZ6 – Next Friday

Okay, I’ll give you The Da Vinci Code, because Tom Hanks’ hair was truly frightening. And I’ll even give you Pirates of the Caribbean 3, simply because the fact that Disney let that one even see the light of day was a horrifying experience. The other programming? Well, I don’t know, maybe they are directed at the fundamentalists and hardcore Christians who think Halloween is an abomination (which is to say, they are all angry because they couldn’t , or forgot to dream up some bizarre, ritualistic, Biblical-themed holiday to usurp the celebration). I really don’t want to tread down this route, so I’ll save this discussion for another time.

Let’s take a little look at AMC. Now, as previously mentioned, the channel’s name is an acronym for American Movie Classics. Now, for everything else on the planet, in order for something to be considered a classic, it has one little criterium: it must be AT LEAST 25 years old. What is AMC showing on Halloween? Constantine (released in 2005), Resident Evil (released in 2002), House on Haunted Hill (released in 1999), and Return to House on Haunted Hill (released in 2007 – it’s basically brand-new!!!!). So, nothing they are showing on Halloween night is over 10 years old. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, these are also part of AMC’s special marathon called The Evil Eight, hosted by Rob Zombie. This is funny, primarily because none of these movies are even in Zombie’s directorial canon, and I seriously doubt he truly enjoyed them. The way these things usually work is that they have a list of movies to show, they get a host (usually someone ‘in’ the scene), give them a bit of a script (for the really bad jokes), and force them to say nice things about mediocre movies. The guest host has no real control over the situation at all. My guess is that AMC is having him on, because they may be planning to put House of 1000 Corpses or Devil’s Rejects into rotation soon, and are using him as a tool for free promotion. Yeah, I’ve got a lot of sinister theories like this.

Next up on my head-scratching list is the notable absence of certain movies/shows. Go ahead and scroll back up to see if you can spot anything missing. How about It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown? Oh, someone aired that on Tuesday, so there’s no need to play it again. Okay, how about some of the tried-and-true Halloween classics, like Psycho? Not scheduled to air. ANY of the vintage Universal monster movies, i.e. Dracula, Frankenstein, The Wolf Man, or The Mummy? Not scheduled to air. A Nightmare on Elm Street or Friday the 13th? Oh, a lot of networks ran that over the summer. Certainly we cannot go a Halloween without a HALLOWEEN marathon! I live for John Carpenter’s genre defining movie on the day in which it was set. Oh, AMC is showing a mini-marathon of Halloween, Halloween 4 and Halloween 5…IN THE MORNING, starting at 9:30am. Don’t get me wrong; watching the original Halloween over a bowl of Corn Pops does have its morbid charm, but the movie isn’t the kind of television entertainment I want to be experiencing while the sun is out. Besides, I think I spent most of my growing years with Halloween and Halloween 2 as the backdrop to MANY of my Halloweens. (Wow, that was a weird sentence.)

Has the advent of the DVD deteriorated the networks’ interest in providing new generations with the movies that we grew up with? Or are they so hell-bent on making a buck, they don’t feel that Halloween is profitable anymore? Whatever the case, I think most of these stations are missing out on an excellent programming opportunity, especially since Halloween falls on a Friday this year, which means, most people will be having all-night parties, and they will require some form of televised stimulus, if not for background noise alone. It is sad, really, that we have moved so far beyond those golden days of being able to expect favorite shows and movies to return at those special points in the year. Now, it seems that the networks are run by accountants, rather than creative individuals who take pride in their work. I suppose I will have to rely on my DVD player for proper atmosphere this Halloween.

Technology Rocks!

The technology age in which we live really astounds me. Think about it. In a mere 20-25 years, we have developed telephones that play music and videos, portable Global Positioning Systems so we no longer have to get directions from anyone, and we can order pizza and pay almost any bill via computer! But one of the technological advancements that continues to amaze me is Amazon.com’s uncanny ability to dictate what I should be spending my money on based on their Recommendations.

If you haven’t visited Amazon.com, it is an online one-stop retailer, where you can purchase almost anything. I believe the company started out merely as an online bookseller and exploded from there. Anyway, if you are registered with the site, Amazon has some form of quantitative data crunching technology that makes purchase recommendations for you based on a number of factors: things you have previously bought from them, tastes of other customers who also bought what you have previously purchased, items you have rated on the site, items you have in your shopping cart, and current market trends.

And beneath each recommendation, Amazon feels it must justify why it is telling you to buy this item, by trying to put the blame back onto you, the consumer, based on one of your previous actions on the site. It will say something like, “TOP GUN, Recommended because you purchased RISKY BUSINESS,” or “LE MORT D’ARTHUR, Recommended because you rated THE 13TH WARRIOR” or something silly like that.

Anyway, one of my little time-killing hobbies is logging on to Amazon, clicking on the Recommendations tab, and perusing through the 300 or so items they think I would have an interest in purchasing. I chuckle at some of the things, because they are dead wrong with my personal taste, but at other times, I am amazed and say to myself, “Yeah, I do want that! Thanks Amazon!” More often than not, it feels like Amazon has somehow reached into my subconscious and is telling me things I already know, but didn’t actually think about.

So, without further ado, here are the top 20 items Amazon thinks I need to own to be a happier person:

1. Craig Armstrong – THE INCREDIBLE HULK film score CD
2. Danny Elfman – HELLBOY II: GOD’S ARMY film score CD
3. Pyramaze – IMMORTAL CD
4. Susan Casey – DEVIL’S TEETH: A TRUE STORY OF OBSESSION AND SURVIVAL AMONG AMERICA’S GREAT WHITE SHARKS book
5. VIKING: BATTLE FOR ASGARD videogame soundtrack CD
6. ROBOT CHICKEN: SEASON THREE DVD box set
7. David Buckley – THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM film score CD
8. Steve Martin – THE PLEASURE OF MY COMPANY: A NOVELLA book
9. Symphony X – PARADISE LOST CD
10. Brian Tyler – EAGLE EYE film score CD
11. Tony Russell – THE PENGUIN GUIDE TO BLUES RECORDINGS book
12. Olivier Deriviere – ALONE IN THE DARK: MUSIC FROM THE VIDEOGAME CD
13. SPACED: THE COMPLETE SERIES DVD box set
14. Cathedral – SUPERNATURAL BIRTH MACHINE CD
15. Witchfinder General – DEATH PENALTY CD
16. Amon Amarth – TWILIGHT OF THE THUNDER GOD CD
17. DISNEY’S HAPPIEST CELEBRATION ON EARTH CD
18. QUO VADIS (Two Disc Special Edition) DVD
19. Watchtower – CONTROL AND RESISTANCE CD
20. Meshuggah – OBZEN CD

Strangely, Amazon recommended most of those CDs simply because I rated the AGE OF CONAN: HYBORIAN ADVENTURES videogame soundtrack. While I did truly enjoy that CD, I really don’t believe it sounds anything like the products mentioned above. In fact, all of the aforementioned soundtracks were recommended based on that one item. Not sure how that happened, though I would like to own the HELLBOY II film score. I reviewed it for Muze when it was released (yeah, I do freelance CD reviews for them, which pop up all over the internet – in fact, I linked HELLBOY II to one of them), and I thoroughly enjoyed it, though my review was based on what I was able to listen to on Rhapsody.com. So I truly would welcome the disc. Maybe I’ll get it this weekend.

Moving on, Pyramaze and Amon Amarth were recommended because I rated the new Evergrey album, Meshuggah and Watchtower were recommended because I rated an Anacrusis album, Symphony X was recommended because I rated an obscure Morgana Lefay album, and Witchfinder General was recommended because I rated a Cirith Ungol CD. What do these all have in common? Pretty much nothing. I don’t think any of the recommended titles sound anything like the rated items. Okay, I guess Evergrey and Pyramaze are progressive melodic metal bands, but Amon Amarth is a death metal band! I guess it was recommended because both bands are Swedish. That makes a lot of sense.

You’re probably wondering about the other stuff, so here goes. Cathedral was recommended because I rated another Cathedral CD. Of course, the logic here is, if you like one, you should like them all! Try telling that to all those snot-nosed ‘purists’ who thought George Lucas’ STAR WARS prequel trilogy diluted the divine essence of the original trilogy.

THE DEVIL’S TEETH was recommended because I put a book about great white sharks in my shopping cart (so that does actually make some sense). And in all honesty, I already own a copy of THE DEVIL’S TEETH, I just haven’t gotten around to reading it yet. ROBOT CHICKEN was recommended because I rated the ROBOT CHICKEN STAR WARS SPECIAL. Again, this makes perfect sense. However, SPACED was also recommended because of this same DVD. I guess Amazon thinks that Simon Pegg and Seth Green are the same brand of comedy? I dunno.

The Steve Martin book was recommended because I added another Steve Martin book to my cart. Okay, Amazon, you are currently winning this argument. THE PENGUIN GUIDE TO BLUES RECORDINGS was recommended because I plopped the similar guide to Jazz in my cart. The DISNEY CD was recommended because I rated the PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN Disney Park ride CD. And although I also rated tons of other Disney CDs, somehow, it chose that one as the clincher.

And finally, QUO VADIS was recommended because I got a kick out of the 1945 film version of THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY (and if you haven’t noticed, the very story from which this movie was based is also the place where my blog name originated – woo hoo!). This one doesn’t really make any sense at all either. One is a gladiator film about the rise of Christianity, and the other is an Oscar Wilde cautionary tale that borders on horror. I’m struggling to see the connection here. Maybe they had a cast member in common, or Warner Home Video coerced Amazon into advertising the two together to try to somehow piggy back sales from completely unrelated audiences. I don’t get it. I guess that’s why I’m not in advertising.

The one thing this tells me, though, is that I probably need more hobbies that don’t revolve around CDs, DVDs, and books, because according to Amazon, that is all I spend my money on. If only Amazon sold food, then my Recommendations would REALLY be interesting.